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Making From Breaking, and Feeling So Lost

5 years ago4,404 words

Comedians, Hollywood films, and young people making memes on the internet all address mental turmoil in their own ways; dancing with one's demons isn't the territory solely of disturbed pariahs. I've been trying to do a similar thing with Sindrel Song, but I'm stuck in the mud of uncertainty because I know that not everyone would eagerly embrace such a thing in the way I might.

I wrote in my previous post about how I'm still trying to write the story for Sindrel Song, which I want to be based on mental illness. Society's attitude towards mental illness is an interesting one... There are many people who'd hate to be exposed to it in their media, either because they've never experienced and don't understand it, or because they're in the middle of it and want an escape from that, not a reminder. Some people mock or attack others for struggling with mental illness, say things like "they're just whining", that they should "suck it up", and other such compassionate sentiments that make me so glad to be alive.

A lot of people who choose to make media of various forms struggle with mental illness; maybe you're already familiar with the connections between outward creativity and inward self-destruction. Both are largely rooted in being able to imagine or analyse possibilities, either a novel story, a painting, a song, a catastrophe. Part of it is probably being able to imagine worlds to which they compare this one, and find it lacking. They express that in their work because it's a huge part of what they know, because they hope to tame their demons by doing so, because they've enjoyed media they could relate to in the past, and want to contribute to others in the way other artists have contributed to them... There are many reasons.

I've been watching stuff lately, while too fatigued to do anything 'better', and it's interesting how much of it I can tie to what I'm saying here, despite not actively seeking out any compartmentalised genre specifically for such things.



I like (British) stand-up comedians, and the panel shows they frequently appear on. Each comedian has their own personality and style and act, and a few of them build their whole persona around their inner demons.

There's one called Jon Richardson, who certainly has. He's got OCD - or something like it, I'm not sure of the exact details - and builds his act around being overly 'tidy', being easily irritated by others' sloppiness, being a whiny, insecure loser (I think he was a virgin until his late twenties or even later?), etc. Here's him doing some stand-up:



Imagine him saying what he's saying there, but to a therapist. Would it be entirely out of place? People laugh of course because he's making light of it, using comedy techniques to evoke that reaction, and of course the circumstances condition people to react in that way, but he's still essentially blurting out his personal hang-ups and weirdness on a stage in front of probably thousands of people. It's an odd set-up, when you think about it.

Jon Richardson has had a recurring role on a couple of panel shows, alongside another comedian, Sean Lock, and they very much contrast with one another. Jon is a neurotic loser who makes his act about his 'moaning', Sean is... hard to summarise, but I'd say his stuff is... bizarre? He's portrayed as some kind of casually sociopathic old grump or something, but he can't easily fit into a simple category (though I suppose he does a different kind of moaning, since that makes up a big part of British comedy; as an aside, I just watched an episode of something called Room 101, which is literally just comedian guests complaining about things they hate).

It'd be easier to show Sean Lock doing stand-up than to try to explain it or him. He does the first 20 minutes or so of this video, which I'm sure you're going to drop everything to watch right now:



I don't mind Sean Lock, but I think that's mostly due to familiarity at this point. Watching that is something I'd do harmlessly to pass the time, but for the most part there's no real spark like I got at some points watching Jon Richardson. That spark comes from being able to relate, which I can to someone neurotic but not so much to someone talking about stuff that seems like it's from the real world I'm not a part of.

I'm mentioning Sean Lock though because there's a bit at around 15 minutes in that video that took me by surprise. He starts doing a bit about how embarrassing memories stick with you, for years and years, and come back to you out of the blue to make you audibly cringe. That's something I could relate to, because every day is like that for me, but what I found surprising was that someone whose persona is very much the opposite of a neurotic loser would still not just experience that himself, but would consider it not-inappropriate enough to make it a part of his act, assuming that the audience would be on board with it.

I like comedians not just because I like comedy, but because it's so often a stage for hurting people to bare and face their inner darkness. It's worth noting that Jon Richardson is popular and has many fans, despite him going on about how annoying and a loser he is all the time, because what he says resonates with a whole lot of people. In comments on YouTube videos he's in, there are almost always people remarking on how they see themselves in him. I think that's interesting.



Moving to a different kind of media, I watched some big Hollywood films over the past few days: Pacific Rim and its sequel, and Ralph Breaks The Internet.

These days, I can only really watch films after they come out on DVD, since the trek to the cinema would be long, arduous, expensive, and tiring, and I wouldn't have anyone to go with so I'd feel anxious the whole time about being alone. So even if I really want to see a film, I have to wait until months after everyone else has, avoiding spoilers online as best I can. It's annoying.



That's why I only just saw Ralph Breaks The Internet, which I'd rather have seen ages ago. I had a lot to say about it, and I wrote most of a longer post about it, but I didn't know if it'd be worth reading so I didn't bother finishing it (because me ranting about all this totally is worth reading, of course). There was a lot I liked about the film, and some weird bits too (does Ralph have a physical form if he can appear in videos??), but what stuck with me the most was the emotional heart of the story, which was about crippling insecurity and the pain that can bring. It was about the platonic 'best friend' relationship between Ralph (a big guy) and Vanellope (a little girl) which was established in the first film, and which he seemed eager to announce all the time and was desperate to cling onto, while she had her sights set on new pastures, but hadn't the heart to actually tell him about it. If you've read my deranged scrawlings for a while, you'd know why this resonates with me a lot, because it has direct parallels with a 'best friend' relationship I found myself in longer ago than it feels like it was. The one in the film had a nicer resolution, but a lot of the notes it hit were what I'd been through myself. It's obviously common enough of an emotional experience for probably most viewers to be able to relate to it at least somewhat, either in close platonic relationships or, more likely, in romantic ones.

Compare that with Pacifim Rim, which I'd heard about for years but I had no idea what it actually was. Once I read it was about kaiju and mechas, I was interested enough to give it a try, not because I like either of those things particularly, but because I was interested to see how that had been handled. I liked it more than I expected to, and in particular I liked the mind-bonding thing characters had to do to control the mechas (though it using one brain hemisphere per person is silly to me now that I know what I do about neuroscience). They got into each other's heads, experienced true empathy with one another, and had to accept one another as they were, despite their differences, in order to control the mecha harmoniously. I read that Guillermo del Toro, the director, describes himself as a pacifist (∞ funny ∞), and used this as an intentional theme of unity, of working together, etc, to have the setting stand out from other gratuitously violent action films, to communicate something he found meaningful. So that was nice.

I liked both films, but I preferred Ralph Breaks The Internet because of how it spoke to me. It's not really a fair comparison since they're aiming to achieve vastly different results, and targeting different audiences, but they're both big-budget Hollywood blockbusters packed full of big dumb CGI action scenes, and either of them would have succeeded even without the specific emotional and psychological threads that their creators wove through them. But Ralph Breaks The Internet chose to explore the darker side of social experience, which took me by surprise actually because it was fairly dark (not like gore and death, but insecurity in relationships probably resonates with real, deep pain that a lot of viewers would have directly experienced in their lives). I could relate to that pain, that mental toxicity, and I appreciated the film more than I expected to going in because of it. It got me thinking about how I could become (or have been) a better person. I was expecting a mindless Disney-fied family fun familiarity fest, but got something deeper. I couldn't relate to giant mechas saving the world from big alien monsters though. I could be entertained by it, but it was never more than a temporary distraction, quickly forgotten.



It seems that depression and anxiety among young people are so common that they've become memetic, and it's difficult to tell how much of it genuine. I'd assume that at least part of it is just a meme, a social phenomenon, with people jumping on the bandwagon - unconsciously or consciously - because it's the way to be, as it's inflicted on them via the media and their peers all the time. But it could be that our increasingly isolated, disconnected, sedentary lives really are bringing out darkly cloying mental experiences in a large number of people. It could even be that they've always been this common, but they're just becoming more socially acceptable to talk about these days. Or perhaps the constant comparison to others via social media makes us more aware of our painful mediocrity. All of those seem to be factors, but the point is that they're no longer the aberrant quirks of a fringe minority.

I've been wasting time on Reddit occasionally over these past few weeks or months, hating myself for doing so, but it's something to do when I haven't the energy to do anything else. I've said all that before. I've mostly been looking at stupid gifs of animals, and the unnecessarily numerous 'be wowed by interesting random things' subreddits, as they allow me to see things in this world that I otherwise wouldn't. They're all fairly impersonal, though the culture of that site means that deeper discussions about people's lives do seem to come out in the comment sections regardless of what the original post was even about, so you can get someone called DongGoblin420 writing an essay about his abusive childhood under a video of a cat body-slamming a toddler. So those are interesting to read.

I've also checked the incel and MGTOW subreddits every now and again, because I'm curious about their experience and recognise that it resonates with my own. The incel subreddit has this constant rivalry with a disturbingly larger one called 'IncelTears', which seems to exist purely to bully miserable, lonely virgins on the internet. They feel justified because they see incels as absurd misogynistic murderers, a terrorist threat. It bothers me because I wish people would try to understand and help one another, but I also realise that's not exactly how human nature works. A shame. The incels often talk about how the IncelTears members are as much lonely virgins as they themselves are, but they're in denial, and attack incels to feel better about their own miserable lot in life. "I may be a 30-year-old virgin who's never held a girl's hand, but at least I'm not an incel! I treat ladies with respect, and I shoot down incels so those ladies will respect me!". That kind of thing. The IncelTears members presumably feel that they've avoided falling into the dark pit of self-loathing that the incels have, that they're at least trying to improve their lives, and maybe part of their frustration towards incels isn't unlike someone who's arduously worked their way up to a mediocre job being frustrated by someone who just chooses to rot away on government benefits. I can only speculate based on what I've seen.

There's another subreddit that I encountered a few months ago called 'meirl', which seemed to be entirely those 'dank memes', presumably made my younglings, which made me feel old and out of touch because a load of them just made me go "huh?", aloud, to a plant I have on my desk, which didn't respond, which made me sad, why doesn't it love me like I love it, also I forgot it was there until just now, wah wah boo hoo. I'd seen another called '2meirl4meirl', but assumed it was just more of the same so I never bothered looking at it.

I stumbled upon ∞ 2meirl4meirl ∞ again yesterday though, and was surprised to see that it's almost entirely memes about crippling anxiety, depression, loneliness, virginity. It's interesting how much that echoes the incels' experience; it's clear involuntarily celibate men aren't a fringe minority at all, but rather those who call themselves 'incels' just choose to frame what's not an uncommon experience for young men in a way that others find unpalatable. Despite 2meirl4meirl being silly memes, I actually felt a jolt of... I wouldn't call it pleasure, but at least interest, something beyond tired apathy or pain, when looking at what these other people were posting, because it made my own experiences feel less uniquely alien. It's comforting to know that others are going through what I am. Not great, since nobody should have to go through such suffering, but it's better at least than feeling that everyone and their little dog is frolicking in a joyful mainstream in their ∞ bikinis ∞ while I'm sulking alone on a dirty bench.

As I said before, it's difficult to tell how genuine it all is. On the incels subreddit, there are admitted 'fakecels' who aren't celibate at all, but who are "there for the memes"; they even seem to produce content that fits with the incels' worldview even though it's not actually applicable to them. So it's very likely that at least some of the depression/anxiety/suicidal/etc memes are from people who've never actually experienced that but just want to fit in. But Reddit is a site likely to be viewed by introverted, awkward young men who aren't exactly a hit with the ladies, so it wouldn't surprise me if they were more accurate to people's real experiences than not. It's no different to the comedians making light of their own issues on stage, really. A way of coping. (Interestingly though, a lot of the posts are screenshots of tweets by attractive women, talking about their 'depression' or 'social anxiety'. I don't doubt that women are susceptible to such neuroses - every girl I've ever known has had one or both - but they're generally more able to receive support and encouragement for it, and to have a lot more going for them in their life in general, than awkward young men, so it's interesting that these two very different life paths would converge with something like this.)

Some of them seem like the kind of moody melodrama teenage girls would willingly wallow in, like the ∞ "I say I'm okay but inside I'm dyyyyiiiinnnnnng! [emojis]" ∞ stuff. Those seem quite superficial. But there are others that are more specific, like ∞ this one about being a desperate people-pleaser after growing up feeling unloved in a broken home ∞, and ∞ this one, about how many of these feelings of inadequacy likely come about through unrealistical media comparisons we've grown up with ∞. And that's just from quickly skimming the recent 'hot' posts just now. It's easy to dismiss them as "dur hur, stupid dank memes", but they do obviously touch on real and important parts of the human condition. Sometimes. It's interesting how many people probably wrestle their demons but wouldn't know how to talk about it, though they need to, so they write out something heartfelt and add a distorted image of Shaggy from Scooby Doo fisting Thanos so then it can pass through the gates of social approval. It's not deemed inappropriate or subject to harsh criticism, because it's 'just a meme'. Hmm.

I assume most of the posters there are young, and it could be teenage awkwardness and conformity as much as anything, which they'll grow out of in time. Perhaps people like me, whose lives our demons control and ruin, are rare, or maybe they've all killed themselves by this point, or cope in solitude, I don't know. I mean, it's not like I post in those places myself, so maybe they're there but invisible? ∞ Here's one that seems like it might be by someone around my age ∞, at least. Yes. Fascinating. Unless he's been listening to the same songs since he was born.



I'm a moody weirdo who uses my own creative skills to explore and ideally work through my neuroses, in the same way that comedians or memers use comedy to confront theirs. Enough people respond to those displays of demons for me to feel that this is a worthwhile direction to head in. But I've spent the last few days in a state of sick anxiety, worrying that I've gone down the wrong path, that people would respond badly to it, because it's too much of a downer, it's weird and inappropriate, etc. It's so easy to imagine the comments. Smirking at how it's about suicidal furry porn, or something. Rather than bland soldiers shooting each other up on a generic battlefield, which would obviously be far more worthwhile. It's interesting how a game about personally facing one's own death might be met badly, but so many are about delivering death to many and that doesn't evoke any reaction at all.

To clarify the trajectory I'm already on, here's what I have in mind:

Glimmer awakens into the world, and is excited, eager to explore. Her mind is negative and she clashes with it, but at the start it'd be portrayed comically, light-heartedly, not as dreary depression. She's introduced to life by Hearth, who explains that there are five other sindrels on this island who she should meet, and they've all been sharing songs together to better understand one another, so he invites her to sing with them for that reason. Just to develop social bonds, to live many lives in the time she has.
The idea of her life being only six days long, as is naturally the case for sindrels, would be introduced later on, rather than right at the start. The idea that Hearth could save her from this by granting her eternal life would come up once the player had settled in too.

With each wintrel Glimmer meets, though, she develops some new hang-up in her mind, some insecure comparison. "I didn't get born into a village like other owas, so I couldn't achieve what she has because my circumstances were poor from the beginning"; "he obviously doesn't like me because of that stupid thing I said, I don't want to burden him forever with my presence"; "I never even tried to reproduce, I've failed to meet my life's purpose"... Or something; I'd need to generate proper ideas through brainstorming.
These would be shown through periods between the levels where Glimmer sits alone with her thoughts in a tent (each of the wintrels has one).
While they'd start off fairly light and comical, they'd build up to the point where Glimmer has a bit of a breakdown, and decides to choose her inevitable death over Hearth's offer of extended life.
But then, there'd be one final climactic song with her own mind, where she'd realise that there are reasons to stay after all, and it'd have a happy and uplifting ending.

My hope with it was to explore these themes because, well, they consume my life to the point that they're all I know. I try to make things hoping I might be able to cope with them that way, as those other comedians and creators do. Musicians too. But I also hope that other people who are struggling with the same things might get something out of it. I got into Psychology for these same reasons.

I've read a lot of self-help books and things to try to cope with my issues, but they're pretty much always by professional psychologists, with partners and children and PhDs and wealth and all these other things I don't have. Of course they can be happy, I think; compared to me, they have it all. It's hard to be moved by what they say when they're either talking down to me about something they've never personally experienced, like the rich lecturing the homeless, or when what they have been through is so removed from my own experience. The things that have made the biggest impact on me have been other people sharing their relatable experiences, media that explores these experiences. After years of reading ineffective self-help books, I had a 'spiritual awakening' a few years ago after reading a book by a guy who said at age 30, he'd gone from sleeping on park benches due to depression, anxiety, and life failures to profound peace that shed light on the world that wasn't there before. If he could do that from that position, then so could I, I thought.

But I don't know. I set out to make a game back in December which would be quick, simple, and fun... but it's bloated into this thing, because it seems I'm incapable of not doing this. While it speaks deeply to me, would it speak to the players? The game itself is weird enough as it is; it's a memory game (not a rhythm game) based on music, which requires a fair bit of repetition to pass the stages. I wouldn't describe it as "a rhythm game with a weird furry porn suicide theme" (though who wouldn't be eager to show such a thing to their grandma and her ∞ little dog ∞???), it's more like it's "a game about light and darkness and finding meaning that uses memory-based gameplay to get its point across".

What are my alternatives, anyway? All the songs are based around this life/death/meaning theme, so if I tried to rethink the game's direction, I'd have to redo pretty much everything, scrap months of work. I could keep the major mechanics, but all of the content would have to be massively redone.

Ultimately, I suppose I wonder what would give me a feeling of meaning. Would I be happier if I made a game where Green Bird sings to Red Bird then Yellow Bird then Blue Bird about nothing, which gets 3/5 stars, "it was ok"-type bland reviews (if any), is bought by 3000 people, and everyone forgets about as soon as they're done with it, or if I made Sindrel Song, which received controversial responses, was bought by 200 people, and... felt more like a contribution to human culture?

I still struggle with suicidal thoughts all the time. They're not so bad that I'm writing farewell notes (not anymore...), but I'm really struggling to find something that makes me think "I'm glad I'm still here". Though I do need money, money alone wouldn't provide that. I suppose I try to address what I feel are more meaningful and significant things because that feels like a more meaningful and significant thing to do, but... sigh.

It's a difficult decision that I'm still trying to make. What to do. How to do it, to minimise disgust in both others and myself while still hopefully speaking to at least someone...

Maybe I'm just deluded though and should accept that my fate is to make 'crapps' that'll be clumped together with things like Angry Flappy Birds Elsa Frozen Minebuild, for children and idiots to waste a few minutes on while their mortal clock ticks closer to the end. Maybe there's no point to anything and to think there could be is delusion.

What would you actually like to see from Sindrel Song in terms of story and setting? Maybe I should just remove story and setting entirely and focus on just music with a bunch of features to make it as flaccidly challengeless and uncontroversial as possible. Just turn it into yet another generic rhythm game to add to the pile, because people like what they've already seen before. I don't know. I feel so lost.