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Brain Surgery

Posted by A Tobias 8 months ago
I've made little progress on Soulmate recently, as I've had a lot on my mind... Specifically cerebrospinal fluid, which next week's brain surgery is intended to remedy. An excess of it. On my mind. Get it? No? Oh, never mind. The point is that a person will pierce my mindmeat in a couple of days and also I might have a cancerous tumour and might die. All the best things in life happen to me, as you can clearly see.

I've been writing about this in tedious, oversharing detail on my ∞ personal blog ∞, but the gist is that I have a condition called hydrocephalus, caused by a strange growth in my brain that may or may not be a tumour.

The brain has these fluid-filled chambers called ∞ ventricles ∞, where the cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) in which the brain floats is produced. There are four ventricles: one in either hemisphere called the lateral ventricles, one in the middle called the third ventricle, and another below that called the fourth ventricle. CSF needs to flow between the ventricles to the fourth, where it can drain out into the spine or into the region surrounding the brain, where it can be reabsorbed and such. The third and fourth ventricles are connected by a narrow channel called the cerebral aqueduct that allows this flow to happen.

Roughly behind that, at the base of the brain in the middle, is the ∞ pineal gland ∞; a little lump that plays a role in regulating sleep and such. Uncommonly, growths can develop on the pineal gland; sometimes benign cysts, other times malignant tumours. The growth presses against the cerebral aqueduct, which is obstructed, preventing the proper flow of CSF. The ventricles begin to bloat from the buildup of fluid - a condition called hydrocephalus - and basically they squash the brain. If left untreated, the increased pressure can be fatal.

That's what's happening in my head. There's a pineal growth, but the doctors don't know if it's a cyst or a tumour. My ventricles are huge, though; much bigger than they should be. I've seen the scans; it's horrifying.

On probably Tuesday, I'll be having an operation called a third ventriculostomy, which involves piercing down into the third ventricle and making a little hole in the bottom, so then CSF can flow out through there instead of through the blocked cerebral aqueduct. It seems relatively safe... though I don't understand how they get to the ventricles in the first place; do they just burrow right through the cortex? The descriptions of the procedure just seem to skim over this bit.

The growth is more of a concern though. They'll need to check whether it's benign or malignant; it could very well be brain cancer... in which case I don't know what'll happen next. I'm having a scan on Monday (today) to give a better idea of what it might be.

You probably don't need to know all this, but I'm trying to handle the situation by finding fascination in the anatomy of it all. I studied the structure of the brain for months as part of the Psychology degree I recently started, so I'm finding it interesting to be able to apply that knowledge in some way.

Anyway, obviously this is quite distracting... but I'll post again later about what's going to happen next. Assuming I don't just die during the surgery, that is!!
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on 10 Roots


16 Pakistan
Sorry to hear that man hope you get well soon (btw is chapter 3 for taming dreams out?)
22 United States MelancholicPhlegmatic
Chapter 3's been out for a while... if you touch/click on it when at the main menu or after you beat the first and second chapter, you can buy it for a small fee. It's the best chapter so far, in my opinion, but remember the next Chapter likely won't be out for a while, as Pseudo wanted to take a break to try making a different game on Steam, as well as that he's having... issues with his life right now, as you can see...

Still, I'd recommend trying it regardless! I'd personally like him to release the mostly finished but not quite prototype for Alora Fane: Creation, which was his sort-of-old questbuilder he never quite finished.
16 Pakistan
Alright Thank you so much!
18 Colombia ISFP SEI SoSx SLUAI IEC CholericPhlegmatic
Don't worry hermano you will overcome this prolem, I have faith in you. Saludos from Colombia
15 United States
Hope you get better and hopefully it isn't the worse case scenario. Look from what I cant tell is that you're amazing. Without you a lot of the memories I made with my younger brother would not exist you're great at what you do so if you ever feel like you're not working hard enough, trust me you are.
20 United States INFP ILI 6w7 rluaI ICA PhlegmaticCholeric
Holy hell. This really isn't good. Hopefully the surgery goes as planned, the growth isn't bad, and you eventually get better.

If it makes you feel any better, the people here will be here for you.
23 Russia CholericMelancholic
Oh man, that was way more severe than I could ever expect! The condition, that is. I mean, you have to struggle with not only "psychological" (whatever actually causes them), but as it turns out, actual physical brain ailments, and yet here you are, a highly intelligent, gifted and dedicated guy despite that all!
I've had a great respect for you for quite a long time now, but you managed to turn it up a level somehow yet again. Quite astonishing, isn't it?

Hopefully all goes well and you end up feeling much better than before in a way that will create a permanent improvement!
Can't even imagine what it'd be like to have a healthy Pseudo around, you'll probably be able to move mountains by then :P
26 United States 1w9 rcxaI CholericMelancholic
Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear about your illness, even though you're not even quite sure what it is yet. I hope it's not cancer! But if it is, at least that's not a death sentence. And perhaps the pressure in your head that you've been describing in the past was caused by this, and also will go away with surgery, hopefully?!?!??!

I'll pray for a successful surgery and for your good health. As is said in Jewish culture when one is ill: May the One who was a source of blessing for our ancestors, bring blessings of healing upon you, A Tobias, a healing of body and a healing of spirit. May those in whose care you are entrusted be gifted with wisdom and skill, and those who surround you be gifted with love and trust, openness and support in your care. And may you be healed along with all those who are in need.

I know it's not much, but I wish you a speedy recovery nonetheless.
22 United States MelancholicPhlegmatic
You're... oddly calm about all this! This isn't exactly the most comforting thing! I mean, I know you've probably had time to let the worry sink in, but... having similar issues as to how I mentally view things to how you describe them, or have, I'd be quite horrified!

I suppose if it had sunk in enough though and I'd take such classes, I'd look into what was going on a lot myself... I'd probably be really paranoid and, despite how likely or unlikely the event was bad or not, I'd still be bedridden for a bit.... so it's good you can get those thoughts behind you and focus at least a bit on other things! I've been diagnosed with OCD, anxiety/depression (by my psychiatrist and therapist, just to clarify), and both are fairly stronger than most, it seems..... so I know how you feel quite well. I think I've begun to develop social anxiety as well, or I've been dealing with it for a while... I never talked much in school or class, even to my parents. I pretty much said two words in middle school...

I personally can't stop thinking about stuff going on or in my head myself... I'm always pacing, worrying or thinking of story ideas or some video I had watched/game I had played.... it's like I can't quite shut my brain off. Despite this, I don't talk much and I prefer to keep to myself. I wouldn't say it's a paranoid thing, more that I like to look at everything and observe it all, analyze and observe every little detail. I wish it reflected in my writing and concept art more, but I digress, I'm off point!

Considering what they've told you, if such an event was bad, do you think you would write something about your life? I mean, I know how hard it is to think of, but in that bad case.... it might be a good idea to plan ahead for those remaining days, however long they are. And I'm sure you would tell someone about this... it'd be quite destructive to keep it bottled up! Allow people who really care to know... that comfort is huge!

Even if you feel you aren't of worth, simply having that comfort or knowing you'll leave something for others to look back at is a great feeling to leave with or leave behind for others.... memories may not fade of you, but the things you do will, to an extent, unless kept a chronicle of stuff you did and had. It might be fun for you to start doing the things you didn't as well in such a case... it's a great motivation and it's much better to die happy then to die confused and worried, at least to me!

I hope it isn't a big deal, to look on the bright side... you have a long life left, and a lot more to learn! It wouldn't be good for lots of people if you were to go....

To tell the truth, I go to a family reunion every year... I have a nice family and I'm very blessed with that, as I'm fully aware just how many people don't have a great relationships between their relatives or even their own family... by looking into your life, it shows me almost a whole different side of things to me. It may not be great for you, and you may not feel great, but to me... you both show me the things I'm not as well as what I have.... you deal with some issues I deal with and I don't feel alone when I read these things.... heck, you even helped me get through highschool when my depression got so bad I couldn't even do my schoolwork or get up to do the work the home tutor asked of me. It was bad... I didn't even go to school and the school itself even scheduled me to come in every tuesday and thursday. I only went int during half of those hours, and since I felt so bad, I actually went to that less often than was scheduled.

I avoided the topic on this site, as it felt more comforting to me at the time, bottling it up. I realized this wasn't right and this changed as things got better, but... it helped distract from worries around me. To explain my situation, my younger brother had started having crippling headaches, and I began to have bad mental images of me hurting myself or others (though I never acted on it and never planned to, they were crippling to me doing much... mentioning it as visions makes it sound as if I was making up some psychic story but... well, I'd rather not describe a vision of me drilling a hole into all my....... .... thinking about it isn't good)

A-anyway.... my grades were also not doing well, and my parents had told me the only way I was going to get through that was to apply myself. My other siblings were very quiet this whole time, concerned for me, but I pushed them away.... I wasn't in a good state.

So, to solve it, my parents took me to the psychiatrist and therapist more often, I read your stuff as you struggled with these problems and always did your best to push through them, and I got a tutor in school to help organize things and get my back on focus.... thanks to these things, I was able to get through that year.... but I may not have even gotten up or kept working on the work in front of me if you hadn't been pushing like that, nor if I had been inspired to do so. It was as if

I commented a lot on your blogs in those days (my username was just 'Brock' then), I almost seemed to get by in hanging to your every word like a leech thanks to these events and this allowing me to feel as if there was a light ahead, not really noticing any of the mistakes you made during that time, and it was perhaps thanks to this I lost one of my friends at this point and I was labelled as too 'hooked' to you thanks to this. After it was over, this has lessened and my life is very slowly going forward again, but I also haven't been in college from the fear of dealing with such problems. That damn loop always comes back. ;-;

I know that story might be hard to believe... it sounds rather cheesy or stupid, but it's true and I'm very grateful for all those things that helped me during that time. I still go to the psychiatrist every week and the therapist every few... I didn't come out of that perfect, I still had issues. I still do. That's not going to be fixed by me giving up... you shouldn't either.

I mean, I'll be going to college in the fall finally.... I've worked up the courage finally after all that time! I'm going to take three online courses and then regular college/university? afterwards... I'm also planning to get a job when college starts to help support that, and I wouldn't have gotten to this point without a lot of things! I'm still afraid to get my license as talking to people is hard.... but I hope to get over this eventually, I'm not perfect!

I know may be a guy and you dealt with them as best you can thanks to many of them being... unsavory at times, but if you go, know that you've made a difference to me, a guy, and a lot of people. Girls too. Fighunter had a lot of people like that... quiet and looking for a place to belong... a lot weren't that way, but a lot were... Alora Fane follows that trend too, but I feel has a much more caring and kind community, even if it isn't as active.

Yes, your life in the real world's been hard... but what's important is you try and you recognize your faults. A lot of people never recognize these kinds of things... they're stubborn and stay in one place... I struggle with that myself at times. I'm sure you do to, but you still apply yourself when it matters. Don't forget that.


That's... all I had to say. If you read this, I'd like to thank you for your time. Y-yeah. This site will likely endure for a while, so don't feel as if you've failed us here either... many members want to take on what you've put forth!

I've never mentioned this much here before (I have in the chat room to friends, but not to such detail)... I often feel it's best to keep most my personal life or bad experiences out of full description, but seeing this makes me feel as if I need to say all this... and it helps me feel better. Hopefully it will make you feel better!

Think of it in this way.... you don't have the support I've been given or the help and motivation, likely not the schools, and yet you've carved out so much for yourself during this time! It's quite astounding!

= Brock
18 Indonesia ENFJ SpSo RLOAI SanguineCholeric
I feel horrible for not noticing this.

You've been an amazing figure during my years at Fig Hunter and Alora Fane alike, even though I've almost never interacted with you. Even during hard times or dealing with your personal problems, you still have time to manage the site and continue making games -- and making morbid jokes, at that.

I (probably we all?) can't help you directly with this, aside from donating, but the least I can do is pray and hope that whatever ails you is cured. Dwelling on things like this won't make it better, anyway.

I hope that the present situation is not the end, though. I wish that the best has yet to come. I'm not good at dealing with this kind of things. But there it is; I sincerely hope the best for your recovery and for you to continue making amazing things for the community!
23 United States
The Jop
Sorry to hear that, Tobias, I hope it all goes well. I think it says a lot of good things about you if you're able to make jokes in a situation like this.
20 Denmark
Kristian Veel
You're amazing Tobias, you really are.