PERSONAL

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Respective Perspectives

8 years ago1,512 words

I find it interesting how many people envy those whose situation is different to their own, no matter what the respective situations might be... The prince who wants to be a pauper; that kind of thing.

I've had the stitches torn out of the gaping wound on my head now. It's bigger than I thought - a half circle about the size of a tennis ball - which makes me wonder whether they made two holes in my head rather than the one they said they were making. Hmm. I suppose it doesn't matter. It's just above my already-receding hairline, and they shaved it further back on one side to make the cut. A part of me hopes that - unnerving as it is - the scar might actually take attention away from my hairline in an 'interesting' way rather than me just looking unattractively like I'm losing my hair. I keep having to resist the urge to scratch it; wounds itch, as I'm sure those of you who've lived less sheltered lives already know.

I've recovered physiologically and mentally to the point where I'm able to get things done on my computer again. Slowly. As I've spent time recently accessing this site on my phone, realising that its layout was less than ideal when viewed through such a small viewport, I decided to make a few minor layout changes. Things like this mean a lot to those who did them but little to anyone else, I always feel; sort of like redecorating your bedroom or something.

I've watched a lot recently, on my phone. I'm not a big fan of watching things, really. I always feel compelled to do or make something... So sitting there simply absorbing some kind of media is something I prefer to do while eating so then I can get two not especially desirable things out of the way at once. It's not that I don't enjoy films or programmes or what-have-you; I do! It's just that I can never shake the feeling I should be doing something more productive.

I watched a few stand-up comedians, especially one called Dylan Moran, who I know from a sitcom called Black Books which I watched and liked at least a decade ago. I haven't really thought about it or him since; I think I just found his stand-up shows on YouTube through random browsing. I wouldn't even recommend them. But I watched them anyway, as the hook of familiarity made them more palatable than finding something entirely new.

His style is that of a drunken rambling middle-aged man, it seems. Some surreal imagery, mostly a disjointed flow of thoughts and observations about life.

I rarely watch comedians entirely to be entertained, to laugh; I find it more interesting sort of psychoanalysing them, wondering about their life, how much of their act is based on their real opinions and the dark thoughts that swarm through their minds on sleepless nights. Comedians are often troubled people; it's one of the very few walks of life where you make a living from openly voicing your neuroses and daily frustrations, and the same creative thinking that makes a good comedian also conjures up many tormenting fantasies... Or so I've read. I feel a rapport with them, then, as I do with the 'tormented artist' archetype. We all spend far too much time immersed in our - generally imaginary - sorrows and fears.

Anyway, I mention all this because in a couple of his later shows, Dylan Moran rants a lot about the frustrations and emptiness of middle-aged life, especially the domestic doldrums of being married with children. How all the romance is dead, how what few interactions he has with his wife revolve around simmering resentment. He speaks of envying young people, young couples especially, because they're so awed by little things, so often seeing the bright side, love and excitement, that kind of thing... While he feels unwanted in his own home, beaten down by the chores of child-rearing and the mind-numbing mundanity of middle-class middle-aged social events such as dinner parties with other couples. Lots of comedians talk about this stuff. It's nothing new.

I wonder how much of it is true. Whether he does hate his life as much as the act suggests. Lots of people do, so why not? I can see where he's coming from.

He talks about how he envies a still-single and childless friend of his, who is able to do what he wants with his time and life, who can still enjoy being in love. While that friend seems happy because he goes on dates with new women all the time - something I definitely don't do - it does make me reflect on how my own position might be enviable to those who feel 'trapped' in settled relationships; limited immensely by thoughts that this is it, this is as good as it gets, it's only downhill from here. My position at least brims with potential; almost anything could happen from here if I wanted it and put the effort in. Many options still remain open to me. More than for a middle-aged married man, at least.

And yet I wonder. I like to imagine that if I had a partner, I'd be able to lie by them at night and focus deliberately on what I love about them. I'd have the choice to look on the dark side or the bright side; to choose love or hate. Alone, though, there's no such choice. Just this bland, empty neutral; no intense feelings either way. A part of me would rather be beaten-down and jaded. At least it'd be something.

When I did have a partner, I found that I often felt weighed down by the idea of being with her forever. I'd always regarded myself as devoted and loyal, more into forever-bonds and with no interest in anything fleeting... But I was also a perfectionist, and I feared that perhaps there was someone more perfect for me out there who I'd never be with because I'd already chosen who I had.

It was poisonous thinking that too often acted as a barrier, blocking the good I should have seen, robbing us both at times of the mutual appreciation we should have been basking in.

These days, I'd like to think I'd see a relationship's 'imperfections' as a spiritual challenge, a chance for growth and acceptance... An obstacle course for my mind, in a sense. A chance to choose what to focus on. A chance to be better than last time.

...I almost just wrote that this kind of selective focus is not possible in my current position, but that's not true; I do feel that how I choose to cope with my loneliness is a spiritual lesson or challenge in itself. There are good and bad parts of this no different to how there would be in a relationship... I need to be skilled at navigating this obstacle course before I dare involve another, I know.

Speaking of others... I envy my friend deeply. She seems to have everything I'd ever want. A long-term, close relationship with a rich, appealing partner she's known since her teenage years. Both loving parents still together. Opportunities - through that boyfriend - to go to exciting and interesting places. Intelligence, looks. She's the luckiest person I know (since I know so few!), and it's so often difficult comparing my life to hers.

And yet she envies me, too. I can't entirely understand why. I think it's largely based on intelligence, which she sees me having more of than her. I don't know about that though; I think we're the top two in the class at university. It's not like she's a moron. She also seems to envy me because I'm not as held back by anxiety as she is, and can do many things she can't... though from my perspective, the reverse is true.

I think a lot about this, how we're always assuming the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. That everyone else is somehow better off, happier, living more interesting or fortunate lives.

It's why gratitude for what we have is so valuable a cognitive skill, and why spiritually it's so useful to live in the moment and distance ourselves from our thoughts.

Rather than aiming to get to a point with 'judgement' where we can say we have all that's good and desirable and are free of all that's bad and undesirable, we should make peace with what is, and stop seeing some things as more desirable than others as a general rule. If it's possible to shed that kind of assessment of everything, then a cosy night in a mansion becomes no more or less pleasant than lying naked in a field under the vicious pouring rain.

Of course, it's easier said than done... Seeking out 'good' things and avoiding 'bad' ones is deeply biologically rooted, after all.

But that doesn't mean it isn't possible to calm our thoughts about them...