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New Year's Resolutions 2018

6 years ago692 words

Did I do any of the things I hoped to do in 2017? What do I intend to make of 2018?

I've been updating this thing with a probably overwhelming torrent of words recently (I wonder whether anyone would even see the other recent posts if they're not at the top of the list?), and if all goes according to plan, I'll be continuing to do so as I trudge through my exam revision. I feel an obligation to review my ∞ New Year's Resolutions for 2017 ∞, though, and to decide on some for 2018, before the opportunity passes, so I'm posting yet again.

So how well did those ones go?



X Do something that I feel is worthwhile
What I talked about in that post from a year ago - about wanting to be some kind of solitary intellectual who makes some meaningful discovery by myself - does still resonate with me, but I certainly didn't achieve anything like finding or doing something worthwhile in 2017. If anything, it feels like I drifted further away from any hope of doing something meaningful with my life. So I'd say I'm either in the same position I was when I wrote that, or worse off.

O Get good grades in my second year exams
I mentioned being poorly prepared for them, but I still did very well on them. Or did I faint in one of those ones? Hmm. I had like five exams then, I think, but this time I only have one, so I should be fine, probably.

X Add more people to my life
Ha. I'm lonelier now than I was then. Many mistakes. I said in that post that I was getting to the point where I'm accepting I'm never going to find an intimate relationship... and while the desperate hope lingered throughout 2017, maybe now it really is truly dead.

X Join Nightline
Nightline was a thing that I hoped might help me help and meet others. It's been discontinued now, though. Typical, really. Though I did go to the training at some point in the year, which only made me feel like I had no hope of connecting with the other, much less broken volunteers. So this one didn't work out.

O Don't have brain surgery
It's embarrassing having something so trite on my list. I always want to be original, y'know? Include something everyone and their dog isn't already including. But alas. I didn't have my mindmeat penetrated by my brain surgeon, though, so that's something. It still looms over me though.

X Overcome social media fears
Ugh, no.

O Go to Korea
I technically did go to South Korea for a month, but far from being some amazing experience I'll cherish forever, I cringe whenever I think about it, as I do daily.

X Release an app
No, I did not release an app. I don't think I even really pursued this seriously at all in 2017.

X Get at least some part time work experience
I've still never been an employee, paid or not.



So what's that, 3 out of 9? 33%? That'd be an E- grade at this university. A fail. I failed 2017. So I should set more realistically achievable goals for this year, right?

Honestly, I don't know if I'll even bother coming up with any for 2018, because I don't really expect to make it through the year. I've been talking about suicide for ages now, and it's got to the point where I'm fairly sure that'll be my fate sooner rather than later. I don't have the noose around my neck as I write this or anything, and I don't know when I'd make that final leap, but I just don't really see any future for me other than stressful loneliness, so I might as well face my inevitable end on my own terms to avoid all that.

Perhaps my feelings about that, about the value and potential of my life, will change over the course of the year. I don't know. Maybe then I'll come up with some goals. But for now, I'll just leave this blank, and get back to that exam revision.