I've been working on Dreamons, slowly! My blood pressure measurements are very variable! And I did a test meant to suggest careers for my personality, which told me nothing new but was interesting nonetheless! READ MORE
I went to a Mindfulness class thing, and afterwards was reminded of how even minor positive real-world experiences can turn my inner world from night to day. I got wondering what I could pursue to get this more often... READ MORE
I've been feeling like an embarrassing disappointment lately, so I decided to try to actually do something about it instead of just whining every week... READ MORE
I had the fifth session of the Counselling Skills course yesterday. I left before it ended, and I'm unsure whether or not to continue with the other 10 sessions. READ MORE
Another diary entry of sorts about my stumbling steps into the real world. I wish I'd been employed in my teens and twenties, so I wasn't such a poisonous pest of an alien now. READ MORE
The third class of this Counselling skills course didn't go as badly as I dreaded it might, mostly due to revising my expectations. Also, a brief account of exactly why I've been trapped in a pit, and which mental conditions I believe I do or don't have. READ MORE
Some venting in response to previous posts. Much of how I react internally to things these days comes from traumatic past experiences, and it's difficult to connect with people who are all like one another but different to you. READ MORE
I went to the first class of the Counselling course yesterday, which was the first time I've been around a group of strangers in many years. My experience was... mixed. Some disappointment, some hope, some anxious assumptions confirmed, while others were challenged. READ MORE
While AI can produce high-quality art quickly, in my experience, art's value comes from the creation process, at least in the sense of personal pride. Also, I've been losing sleep over doubts about the social dice roll I'll be making next week... READ MORE
I'm still struggling with motivation, focus, general life stuff. I'm wondering whether to take an opportunity to start training as a counsellor... READ MORE
I finally feel like I have some vague idea of what kind of life might allow me to continue making stuff while paying the bills and not going (even more) insane?? READ MORE
Some noteworthy things have happened in the news recently! Not much has happened in my own life, though, due to a combination of taking time off, not being happy with where I am, and not knowing where I should go. READ MORE
I saw two interesting things from familiar online creators this week, which I wanted to write about: a video by Weebl (a Flash animator from not long before I released MARDEK), and some old soundtracks by ConcernedApe (creator of Stardew Valley)... READ MORE
I recently replayed this eccentric 'musical memory game' I actually finished and released in 2019. Despite some fears that I'd cringe over concerns about its content, I ended up feeling mostly impressed and in some cases surprisingly emotional! It's such a shame so few people got to experience the most moving moments though due to the gameplay barrier in the way... READ MORE
I'll finally be seeing someone again about my crippling mental issues! I got a tin whistle! I replayed Memody: Sindrel Song for the first time in years and found it very moving! READ MORE
I spent this week making progress with technical aspects of Dreamons, including replacing levels with a mechanic that plays the role of MP or cooldowns in a way I feel plays well with mechanics I already have. READ MORE
So how's your whole Christmas/end-of-year period been? I spent at least a week - starting from Christmas Day - alone, in bed, so depressed I could barely even move. So that was fun!! Have I ever mentioned that I'm mentally ill before? What, in most of the blog posts I've written this year, you say?? I've at least made stuff every month despite it, though slower than I'd like. READ MORE
I've spent this week waiting for feedback for the Atonal Dreams Alpha... or rather, that feels like an excuse to shirk work more than anything, as I find the mere thought of the next big steps - or the alternative severe life changes if this won't work out - so distressing. I should try to play a game for the first time in ages to destress and reinspire myself, but I've been struggling to decide which one! READ MORE
Some venting about the Avoidant and Dependent Personality Disorders that likely hinder me, awkward phone calls with friends, embarrassment while dog walking, and how much of a mental mess I generally am. READ MORE
I wasn't able to focus on Atonal Dreams this week, but I did make some maybe interesting progress on this side project, Mentales! Also, I've probably got COVID now. READ MORE
I hoped to use this week to first get some non-game-dev things out of the way, then to do a bit of work on Atonal Dreams... but I didn't do either! One of those non-dev things was finally deciding on a new PC, so I've at least written about that here a bit?? Any help from those of you who know and care about this stuff would be appreciated (again)! READ MORE
I haven't written a personal post in a while, so here's some rambling about a cold I have, my fruitful efforts to break through my reluctance to use Reddit, friendship and relative loneliness, and buying Lego to rekindle childhood joy! READ MORE
I've got a few things I want talk about in this post: the hospital appointment wasn't as anxiety-inducing as usual; I'm wondering (not for the first time) whether to make a virtual pet mobile app; I'm wondering how to restructure my days to get more done; and a note about computer stuff! READ MORE
I'M MENTALLY ILL. Did you know that?? I might not have mentioned it hundreds of times before, I forget. It's been worse than usual this week, so here's some venting about money woes, and how toxic communities have and continue to exacerbate the social anxiety that's already prevented me from seizing so many opportunities... READ MORE
A bit of a diary entry: I had another video call with a friend which was way less awkward than the last, which gave me some social confidence though I'm still paranoid of being noticed and judged, and I composed six short piano pieces this week - and have an album of 18 more from between 2012 and 2019 - but it's a shame that's not really a marketable thing that people would care about! READ MORE
I didn't do any work this week, as I said in last week's post would be the plan, so here's a personal post about all the exciting things I got up to instead!! I was meant to meet a friend, but didn't! I was meant to do a video call with a different friend, and did! I want to find somewhere to move out to, but have no idea where to even start looking! READ MORE
I'm depressed and unmotivated. Again!! However, it's interesting seeing how much actually has changed for the better since another miserable post 3 months ago... READ MORE
I don't follow anyone on Twitter, but I should start following some other indie devs so I feel less alone in walking this path! Any suggestions? READ MORE
I love my ideas for Divine Dreams, but making enough money from them is such a daunting prospect that maybe I should rethink what I'm trying to do. READ MORE
Here's another post about my continuing journey into the unfamiliar territory I need to explore if I'm to make anything of this games thing! In this one, I mainly talk about stuff from the comments on the last post. READ MORE
Hello! Work on the MARDEK Re-release didn't go so well this week, but I have something to work with now. Also, it seems a lot of people are reaching out to people they might not have spoken to in a while during this quarantine, though I'm aware of how much my communication skills have degraded due to isolation. READ MORE
I've not worked on Divine Dreams this week, so no Development post! I feel better after taking some time off, though; I probably needed a break. READ MORE
It's my birthday today, so I felt like I should at least acknowledge that with a post. Today's mostly just business as usual - spending my time alone working on this game - but there's a background of miserableness because of some discouraging comments on the previous post, because they're right. I've been thinking about how I need to change as a person, but looking back on how I was just a couple of years ago, I'd say I've already come a long way! READ MORE
You know what time it is? It's time to write another blog post about how I don't have the time to do anything other than work on the game I'm making! Also I probably maybe possibly will start up a Patreon, though I need to do some more research first (and I'm concerned about time)... READ MORE
Here's some scattered thoughts about finding a daily routine that maximises productivity in the long term, a CBT-based thing I can do to maybe tackle my annoying avoidance issues, being uncertain about when and where to release my old music that I've recently been converting, and a little bit about another game that I've been playing! READ MORE
Memody: Sindrel Song is out now. The previous post is a quick announcement of that; this is a more in-depth ramble about my feelings related to it. READ MORE
Since the 'release' of Sindrel Song was so quiet due to Kartridge's obscurity, I'll need to do some research that I've mentioned in the past but haven't actually done yet... Maybe you can help, if you're that way inclined? READ MORE
My particular mental illness is defined by an intense fear of being judged by other people, yet I'm aiming to publish my potentially unpopular!! project as publicly as possible. This leads to a lot of anxiety about how that might turn out for me, which takes up too much time and mental energy! Will I just end up being destroyed in some awful spiral of shame??? I've talked about that a lot already, but it's been getting more intense the closer to I get to release, so here's another vent about it so then I can get it out of my system and focus on adding the final touches... READ MORE
Apparently I'm not cripplingly mentally ill because I don't appear blatantly broken to professional strangers I've talked to for a single conversation. Sigh! READ MORE
I saw some kind of psychologist person at the cancer hospital today for an assessment, after mentioning my mental health issues to my cancer doctor months ago, during radiotherapy. I hoped to get a proper diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder, not because it'll change anything, but because I feel nobody would take me seriously if I'm just going on a self-diagnosis. Instead, I just ended up talking to her for two and a half hours about pretty much my whole life story, which included insisting that I don't have Asperger's, not for the first time, which then led to me wondering if I actually do, sigh... READ MORE
Some cathartic venting about fatigue, lack of motivation, mental barriers, Alora Fane, and MARDEK 4. And this thing from Sindrel Song, obviously. READ MORE
Radiotherapy's getting easier, though it's still leaving me tired. And I've been trying to work on this associative memory game idea, but I'm unsure how to go about it; there are some fairly severe barriers in the way! READ MORE
As much as I'd rather not, I wonder whether I should try making some short, simple apps in the hope of earning money, which I could then use as a place of stability so then I might be able to work on my passion projects with less worry... READ MORE
I had my first radiotherapy session today. I've not produced anything yet though! Seems likely that my future will be determined by my Avoidant Personality Disorder... READ MORE
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