I've been unable to work for the past few days due to dogsitting, though I've been unusually social via phone calls with friends. Also: canine social networking, R-CPD as a possible explanation for my lifelong inability to burp and recent chest pain, an intriguing game called Cocoon, a film called Marcel the Shell with Shoes On, and Patreon porn profits. READ MORE
Some venting of anxiety I feel about the second counselling class later today. I feel like I'm the alien in the group. I don't mind being an alien, I just wish I could meet another alien to hide away from it all together with. READ MORE
I went to the first class of the Counselling course yesterday, which was the first time I've been around a group of strangers in many years. My experience was... mixed. Some disappointment, some hope, some anxious assumptions confirmed, while others were challenged. READ MORE
While AI can produce high-quality art quickly, in my experience, art's value comes from the creation process, at least in the sense of personal pride. Also, I've been losing sleep over doubts about the social dice roll I'll be making next week... READ MORE
2023's dead! Did I use it well? Ehh. I made a bunch of stuff, but I didn't complete any big projects like I would have wanted to. Mostly I felt lost, and frustrated by how my efforts seeking help to slow my descent into complete madness failed to really bear fruit at all. READ MORE
I've been working on stuff I don't want to show yet, plus here's some rambling about Tomb Raider, video game graphics plateauing, and an issue with my gamepad's right trigger. EXCITING STUFF. READ MORE
I've been working on character revisions and story stuff for Dreamons, I talked to a couple of friends but not the counsellor, and I'm finding Tomb Raider III more frustrating than fun! READ MORE
I got back to this side project last week! Now I'm planning to focus it around an 'evil' council not unlike MARDEK's Governance de Magi. Also, Unity bug and counselling-related awkwardness. READ MORE
I had my 'first' (of this latest run, at least) counselling session, at long last!! (I can't remember how many times I've been through this process in the past!) READ MORE
I'll finally be seeing someone again about my crippling mental issues! I got a tin whistle! I replayed Memody: Sindrel Song for the first time in years and found it very moving! READ MORE
I'm much older than I'd like. I met a friend, for the first time in almost two years! I also met someone who was supposed to help with my disconnection from society... READ MORE
Some venting about the Avoidant and Dependent Personality Disorders that likely hinder me, awkward phone calls with friends, embarrassment while dog walking, and how much of a mental mess I generally am. READ MORE
I haven't written a personal post in a while, so here's some rambling about a cold I have, my fruitful efforts to break through my reluctance to use Reddit, friendship and relative loneliness, and buying Lego to rekindle childhood joy! READ MORE
I'M MENTALLY ILL. Did you know that?? I might not have mentioned it hundreds of times before, I forget. It's been worse than usual this week, so here's some venting about money woes, and how toxic communities have and continue to exacerbate the social anxiety that's already prevented me from seizing so many opportunities... READ MORE
I didn't do any work this week, as I said in last week's post would be the plan, so here's a personal post about all the exciting things I got up to instead!! I was meant to meet a friend, but didn't! I was meant to do a video call with a different friend, and did! I want to find somewhere to move out to, but have no idea where to even start looking! READ MORE
Hello! Work on the MARDEK Re-release didn't go so well this week, but I have something to work with now. Also, it seems a lot of people are reaching out to people they might not have spoken to in a while during this quarantine, though I'm aware of how much my communication skills have degraded due to isolation. READ MORE
I feel that BoJack Horseman's a deeply powerful work of media because its themes resonate with some in my own life, though I've been unusually well this past week. Also I'm wondering about reviving my Patreon account, but there are uncertainties. READ MORE
I had my first radiotherapy session today. I've not produced anything yet though! Seems likely that my future will be determined by my Avoidant Personality Disorder... READ MORE
I know I vent about my personal problems on this personal blog a lot, but it always helps to get them out rather than just keeping them to myself. Brain cancer and loneliness are the biggest things at the moment, still, though I'm coping gradually with each of them. Still, I'd rather just start working on a game! READ MORE
I spent a few hours with a friend from university on Tuesday - the first meaningful human contact I've had in months - which was nice. But I haven't talked to the neighbour I talked about in the previous post. READ MORE
A young woman lives with her parents next door who I might very well be quite compatible with, but we've never even seen each other because I'm too weird. READ MORE
I'll be having brain surgery a week from now, and it's been difficult to focus with that weighing on my mind. Here's a bit about that, my plans for what I'll post over these next few days, and a bit about the manosphere stuff to follow the previous post. READ MORE
I've not been achieving as much as I'd like recently, and it's bothering me. I want to write about the reasons why here, in the hope that it might help me get back on track. READ MORE
Are women oppressed by a patriarchal society, as feminism would have us believe? Or is it women who are privileged and men who are oppressed, as those who've taken the 'red pill' claim? Here's some ramblings about all that which have brought me a kind of peace, as well as a game concept that gender relations have inspired, based around the idea that the two sexes are playing different but overlapping games with dissimilar challenges, rather than one being absolutely more or less fortunate than the other in everything. READ MORE
I've spent most of my time recently revising for the final exam of this Psychology degree - I just finished it today, though there's one more little thing to do before it's all completely done - and I've also spent a lot of time with a friend, which is unusual for me, and which will also be over soon. I've also composed some more music! READ MORE
It can be frustrating dealing with someone with depression, especially when attempts to 'make them happy' aren't magically and permanently effective. I do understand that. I've read the comments on the previous post, and want to respond in this post. READ MORE
We exist to have sex, biologically. Everything else is peripheral. And it's really hard to want to keep going if you feel that physical connection isn't going to be a part of your life experience. For me, anyway. READ MORE
We should sympathise with victims of mistreatment. They've been through a lot and need love and care. But what of the pain the monsters feel? Who's there to care for them? Or should they just be slain? READ MORE
It was my first day of classes for the third year of university today. It's been a bit of a roller coaster. Crushing, suicidal despair, followed by a twinkling of hope. READ MORE
On a whim, I made a small social website specifically for students at my university with mental health issues to connect with one another, but I really can't decide if it's a good idea to actually announce its existence or not. READ MORE
I've felt for a while now that I was in some kind of sunset period of my story; that my life was nearing its end. That end - which will likely be self-inflicted - feels closer than ever, but is that such a bad thing? READ MORE
I've returned from my month in South Korea. I'd hoped it might be an escape from the despair of the usual rut, but I'm reminded of the line "wherever you go, you are there"... Still, overall I'm glad I went, and I feel I might have grown at least a little bit as a person, which was my main reason for going. READ MORE
I've finished my university exams, and now have a long summer ahead of me and I don't know what to do with it. All I can think about are relationships, and how much I've failed in that crucially important area of life. READ MORE
I enjoy creating things, particularly games, though it's been a while since I last did. I'm not sure what to work on now, though I've been using some games I've recently played for inspiration. READ MORE
My thought processes have been quite toxic for the last couple of years. This isn't leading anywhere good. Mindful acceptance seems the ideal antidote, so I want to work more on cultivating that. READ MORE
I've been thinking a lot about suicide recently, again. To better understand why my mind would be lingering in this area so much, I've been reading a book explaining the factors that contribute to people wanting to no longer be alive... READ MORE
I haven't updated this thing in a while. I'm not dead. Yet. Though I still often feel as if I'd rather be, or if I already am in some sense. I mourn the apparent death of my once vibrant and fulfilling creativity in particular. A shame about that. Anyway, in the last few weeks I've been depressed - as usual - though I've also had enough tastes of actual happiness to motivate me to seek out paths to a better place. I feel I've also come to some realisations about the root of most of my psychological problems. Now that I've finished the rather draining academic assignments that have been eating up almost all my time recently, I'd like to write about everything here for my own benefit; it does seem to help to get it all out. READ MORE
The last couple of days were - for the first time in a long time - actually nice; I felt as if life were worth living, and the thought of ending it didn't enter my mind at all. It's because I made a conscious decision to shift my thoughts from sulking about receiving insufficient love, to giving love unconditionally for its own sake. The difference in the way I and the world felt was astounding; I felt as if the problem had been solved, the way to happiness revealed. Sadly, I seem to be slipping off that path again already... READ MORE
Can we ever truly change, I wonder? I notice a pattern repeating; it feels as if I'm losing my only friend for exactly the same reasons that I lost my girlfriend, when I had one all those years ago, despite spending years telling myself I'd learn and grow from my mistakes and become a better person. I'd still like to think that's possible, but it's a disheartening position to be in, feeling from observations of yourself that perhaps you're just beyond repair... READ MORE
I'll be returning to university tomorrow, and there's a lot on my mind. Specifically about personal growth; to what degree it's possible for me, whether it's more visible to others than oneself. I'm going to ramble in a stream-of-consciousness manner in this post, partly so then I can sort through my thoughts, and partly because I'll personally find it interesting to compare the weather of my mind at this point in my life with how it might be in a few months' time. READ MORE
I find it interesting how many people envy those whose situation is different to their own, no matter what the respective situations might be... The prince who wants to be a pauper; that kind of thing. READ MORE
I'm due to have my sutures removed later today, so I'll be able to see the scar on my forehead for the first time. How much hair they shaved off. I'll also be able to wash my hair for the first time in ten days... which I'm looking forward to, since it feels so awful right now. Ten days... Hard to believe it's been that long, really. I think I'm getting better, slowly. But as the visceral novelty of brain surgery and hospitals loses its edge and fades into memory (though not as much as I might like; the daily physical reminders are a bugger), the same old negative thoughts begin to seep back in. As such, I'd like to do something I planned to do before all this. I'd like to use this blog to have a dialogue between my conscious self (in the sense that it's the self of which I am conscious; the Freudian ego), and my conscious self (in the sense that it's spiritually 'awakened', as opposed to the 'unconscious' fog of earthly delusions). Could be interesting. READ MORE
I'm still in the brain hospital. I've talked to more human beings in the couple of days I've been in here than I have the whole rest of the year, probably. It's really interesting how in falling apart, people come together to support those they might not otherwise... READ MORE
I'll be spending next week in hospital, having brain surgery for what may very well be a malignant tumour. I'm genuinely not scared at all. I just feel numb, still because my life's so deeply dissatisfying that I feel I have so little to lose. READ MORE
I think too much about all the wasted opportunities of my past, and the bleakness of my future. This isn't wise! But it's so alluring when your present's so empty, and when society has so many time-bound milestones you're expected to achieve. How much am I too old for already? READ MORE
I've been simmering with frustration since yesterday about the feeling that what the world wants is not what I am. The feeling of being trapped by conditioning, genetics, preferences, fears. Though I originally started this blog in order to challenge my own negative, irrational thoughts by doing research about how best to overcome such things, I'm in such a foul mood right now that I just want to write out some snarling, ineffectual rant about what's bothering me, just to vomit it out somewhere so then it'll stop swirling around in my mind and I can focus on other things. Maybe it's not a good idea. But I'll do it anyway. READ MORE
I seriously thought about suicide yesterday. It wasn't just a desire to not be alive; I get that all the time. This was something more potent... My mind shifted into a novel state of dark calm where the idea of ending it all seemed realistic and reasonable; my vision literally seemed to fade half black and all hope disappeared from my heart. I'm feeling better now, but it led to a lot of reflection about the state of my mind and life, and the factors that push people towards this most extreme of solutions to personal problems. READ MORE
While searching for a random film to watch last night, one I'd never seen or even heard of before, I stumbled upon Anomalisa, which seemed like the sort of thing I'd not usually watch but which intrigued me as it was animated. Turns out it contained a surprising amount of explicit puppet sex! But it also resonated with me quite deeply as it explored themes of alienation and isolation. It's the sort of film that'll likely stay with me for longer than most Hollywood blockbusters do, and the sort of art that I wish I could make myself; a true inspiration. READ MORE
Firstly, I'd like to say that I've been really impressed by the comments here so far! Well, with a couple of deliberately malicious exceptions, but I'm trying not to think about those. There's a lot of thought, depth, insight and compassion in them, and I'm glad to have attracted the attention of people such as yourselves. I'd like to talk about a tangled mess of things in this post, though I'll try to use subheadings this time! READ MORE
I've been through a lot of heartache recently, and I've been trying to channel my own sorrow towards helping others. Strangers, mostly, on sites and apps that allow you to anonymously connect with people as a venter or listener. I've tried both roles myself, and it's led to a lot of thought about what actually helps other people who turn to others to soothe their aching hearts. READ MORE
I just watched the anime film From Up on Poppy Hill, by Studio Ghibli, and I'd like to write a bit about what it made me think about love, longing, family, tradition and such! READ MORE
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