I wonder if finding a soulmate really will bring you the happiness you want. From what I hear it brings its own share of issues and problems and may not be all roses and sunflowers. Alas, life is suffering!
I can relate to what you said about the bullying leaving a deep scar. I guess experiencing pain builds perception and a relationship with deeper reality, though, as you wonder why it happened to you.
I keep hearing that people like those with self-confidence, so maybe it's really just a matter of learning how to say "fuck it" and do stuff sometimes. Maybe you should try kicking yourself to do stuff sometimes. I do it when I can't get myself up for a shower.
I wonder if you were taught about Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy? I guess it's a matter of learning to help yourself, though things like saying "fuck it".
1
Tobias 1102~3Y
Yes, I said that finding a soulmate won't bring me happiness, though it took me many years to understand that (and the underlying psychology behind why I wanted it in the first place). It probably would just bring more stress into my life!
I do kick myself to do things sometimes! That's what I was writing about here; doing a video call was tough, but I forced myself and did it. I also have to do that just to have showers or eat some days. I had to do that with work today too.
CBT is the main treatment for a ton of psychological issues these days, and it's the go-to 'solution' for anxiety conditions in particular. There's a ton I could say about it after getting a Psychology degree and seeing a bunch of therapists, but I suppose the summary would be... it's hardly akin to medicine? I keep in mind some of the ideas behind it, but others seem naive. It works best for people who have anxiety issues despite their circumstances rather than because of them, I'd say.
1
mount201046~3Y
Do you think it would help if your fans were more positive about your work? I feel like, despite the negative parts of your life (brain cancer, lack of relationship), you do have a lot of positive traits (high amount of creative skill, intellect, and an awareness of yourself and others). I mean, let's face it. You haven't offed yourself yet, so you know that there must be something that you're sticking around for.
Life does suck a lot! I'm just wondering because you talk a lot about your worries and your troubles, but there's very little there seems in the ways of solutions from yourself or really from others... Of course, you can't get rid of *brain cancer* entirely, but the things you do have control of... I'm not saying you should stop ranting about your life (and it won't help to keep it pent up either), but maybe it's that life just... sucks for everyone and that we need to learn to live despite this?
I wonder if you treat your creative work as an outlet into which you drain your fears and worries? It does seem a lot of people (see any musician ever) do this, and people don't seem to mind it. (As a matter of fact, it might as well sell better...)
1
Tobias 1102~3Y
Something I... had to contend with, let's say, back during the Fig Hunter days was people giving me unwanted advice whenever I vented about my myriad issues, and how frustrating that got in large doses when the venting itself was the 'solution' (of sorts). Sometimes certain minds - like mine - need to get things out somewhere, and we feel better after having done so; this blog's such an outlet for me.
Obviously the problems remain, but they don't exactly have easy solutions. The main thing I feel I need to focus on at the moment is finishing and then figuring out how to publish Atonal Dreams; if that doesn't work out, I'll have to rethink things, but for now it's best to just stick with this path. It's mentally difficult being so isolated and dealing with the trauma-based self-loathing, but I'm able to remain relatively productive and mentally calm most days... I dread the thought of how that might change when I have to engage more with the world, but for now I have this task so I try to just focus on that.
1
mount201046~3Y
I hear you about the unwanted advice - I think it's because people wanted to be supportive. But I see now that you really just want someone to listen to your issues at times. Maybe that's something that having friends will help with. Personally I vent to my friends on Discord, (and let them vent vice-versa) - it helps a lot.
1
Tobias 1102~3Y
I do have a couple of friends I vent to! But sometimes I'd rather not bother people, which is where having a blog comes in handy. Plus I quite like having a record of stuff over the years I can look back on later.
I can relate to what you said about the bullying leaving a deep scar. I guess experiencing pain builds perception and a relationship with deeper reality, though, as you wonder why it happened to you.
I keep hearing that people like those with self-confidence, so maybe it's really just a matter of learning how to say "fuck it" and do stuff sometimes. Maybe you should try kicking yourself to do stuff sometimes. I do it when I can't get myself up for a shower.
I wonder if you were taught about Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy? I guess it's a matter of learning to help yourself, though things like saying "fuck it".
I do kick myself to do things sometimes! That's what I was writing about here; doing a video call was tough, but I forced myself and did it. I also have to do that just to have showers or eat some days. I had to do that with work today too.
CBT is the main treatment for a ton of psychological issues these days, and it's the go-to 'solution' for anxiety conditions in particular. There's a ton I could say about it after getting a Psychology degree and seeing a bunch of therapists, but I suppose the summary would be... it's hardly akin to medicine? I keep in mind some of the ideas behind it, but others seem naive. It works best for people who have anxiety issues despite their circumstances rather than because of them, I'd say.
Life does suck a lot! I'm just wondering because you talk a lot about your worries and your troubles, but there's very little there seems in the ways of solutions from yourself or really from others... Of course, you can't get rid of *brain cancer* entirely, but the things you do have control of... I'm not saying you should stop ranting about your life (and it won't help to keep it pent up either), but maybe it's that life just... sucks for everyone and that we need to learn to live despite this?
I wonder if you treat your creative work as an outlet into which you drain your fears and worries? It does seem a lot of people (see any musician ever) do this, and people don't seem to mind it. (As a matter of fact, it might as well sell better...)
Obviously the problems remain, but they don't exactly have easy solutions. The main thing I feel I need to focus on at the moment is finishing and then figuring out how to publish Atonal Dreams; if that doesn't work out, I'll have to rethink things, but for now it's best to just stick with this path. It's mentally difficult being so isolated and dealing with the trauma-based self-loathing, but I'm able to remain relatively productive and mentally calm most days... I dread the thought of how that might change when I have to engage more with the world, but for now I have this task so I try to just focus on that.