I keep wondering whether to do that anyway, but the feedback I'd get - or lack thereof - would affect how I'd perceive my own music (I still remember comments people made about certain pieces years ago whenever I hear them), potentially removing any beneficial effects listening to it could have for me. So it doesn't seem worth the risk.
It's a shame, though. I used to love sharing things just for the joy of showing others. I hate how beaten down I've become over the years.
1
MontyCallay99~1Y
It's unfortunate, I agree! A lot of your side projects nowadays seem to be things you'd rather keep to yourself due to that anxiety about people's responses. I certainly hope that there's a way to get past that, so that you can recapture that sense of joy for yourself!
Perhaps it's simply that your personal tastes have developed to the extent where the projects you naturally gravitate towards nowadays happen to be less popular? Or is it more that your perception of the response has changed?
1
Tobias 1102~1Y
Well, I finally did push through the reluctance to post some music to a new YouTube channel!!
I suppose there are many factors that contribute to avoiding sharing things these days, but maybe the biggest is just getting older? Seems most people just lose their youthful enthusiasm the more they experience of the world, or of pain, and I've definitely had a bunch of negative experiences that have all built up to make me into some bitter recluse. Hopefully I won't be in an even darker place a decade from now, though.
1
MontyCallay99~1Y
That's great, I always love listening to your music! Even if there's not that large of a response (which, right now, is probably more likely than not) that's an aspect of your work, for instance, which has always been received overwhelmingly positively by those who have taken interest.
Still, your enthusiasm is what makes you and a lot of your creations so compelling, so it would be a shame if you were to lose it entirely! A lot of your creativity seems to arise out of your enthusiasm for some concept or other. I wonder if part of the change for you is that you're confronted with a lot less novelty these days - the period of your life when you were having good experiences at university seems almost manic in comparison, when you'd be writing excitedly almost every week about some new concept or other.
Not wanting to be in a darker place is a good resolution, though!! I second that wholeheartedly. May you find yourself in brighter places!
1
Tobias 1102~1Y
Getting older but not reaching a point of stability is surely the biggest factor for any loss of enthusiasm. When I went to uni, I felt I'd finally got my life on track at last. I had real-world friends I'd see every day, places I'd have to go! A direction! Then I found out I had brain cancer, couldn't do a Master's at the time, and got back into games dev... which brought with it all the struggle I'd been trying to escape in the first place.
Now I'm almost 35, earning a pittance, and most of my thoughts are devoted to the uncertain struggle of ever getting this to work out, but the idea of a very first 'normal job' at this age sounds maybe even worse (it'd be a different story if I'd started on the employment path in my teens like most people do).
Plus the only way I'd have even a slight chance of making a living from games dev requires me to essentially enter back into the 'abusive relationship' of dealing with (a small but vocal segment of) critical or deranged 'fans', which I'd prefer to avoid entirely.
And it's harder and harder to connect with other people the older you get. I've seen posts on Reddit recently bemoaning the lack of a 'third place' alongside home and work where people can go just to find new friends, which is a good way of summarising something I've struggled with for a long time now.
I suppose the main difference is that back then, the future seemed hopeful, but now it just seems bleak and intimidating.
1
MontyCallay99~1Y
If things are that bleak and intimidating on your current trajectory, you need to change things up, and you need to do it soon. It makes sense that you’d intuitively fall back on game dev, given your history, but with the way things are going it feels like a high-risk, low-reward path to go on.
If (optimistically) you did get a low five-figure sum to finish Atonal Dreams (originally a demo for an even larger game!) that would, really, solve none of your problems. You already seem to be getting bored with the concept, otherwise you wouldn’t be redesigning the world and races like you are at the moment. Even if, in the best-case scenario, you got a fanbase that got really attached to the game and wanted you to make Atonal Dreams 2, you might feel no better about it than back when people wanted you to make MARDEK IV; even worse, you might be obligated to do it because of some Kickstarter.
I remember you saying that you’d make an honest attempt at promoting AD and, once that fails, move on with your life, but now you’ve been delaying that for almost a year now and you seem no better off for it. It might make more sense for you to drop the anxiety about possibly promoting it entirely and start thinking about other things you could do instead to improve your situation.
Regarding the perceived bleakness itself – what isn’t making it any better is the fact that you’re exposing yourself to reports from other pessimistic, anxious people on Reddit a lot. There’s a short-term comfort in that, sure, since you feel a bit more relatable, but it skews your worldview in an unhealthy way. There’s no absolute reason why you shouldn’t be able to have a social life and personal stability, even given all your troubles. Sure, you can resign yourself to supposedly being a lost cause and having missed out a long time ago, but it seems like that’s only making you feel worse.
It's a shame, though. I used to love sharing things just for the joy of showing others. I hate how beaten down I've become over the years.
Perhaps it's simply that your personal tastes have developed to the extent where the projects you naturally gravitate towards nowadays happen to be less popular? Or is it more that your perception of the response has changed?
I suppose there are many factors that contribute to avoiding sharing things these days, but maybe the biggest is just getting older? Seems most people just lose their youthful enthusiasm the more they experience of the world, or of pain, and I've definitely had a bunch of negative experiences that have all built up to make me into some bitter recluse. Hopefully I won't be in an even darker place a decade from now, though.
Still, your enthusiasm is what makes you and a lot of your creations so compelling, so it would be a shame if you were to lose it entirely! A lot of your creativity seems to arise out of your enthusiasm for some concept or other. I wonder if part of the change for you is that you're confronted with a lot less novelty these days - the period of your life when you were having good experiences at university seems almost manic in comparison, when you'd be writing excitedly almost every week about some new concept or other.
Not wanting to be in a darker place is a good resolution, though!! I second that wholeheartedly. May you find yourself in brighter places!
Now I'm almost 35, earning a pittance, and most of my thoughts are devoted to the uncertain struggle of ever getting this to work out, but the idea of a very first 'normal job' at this age sounds maybe even worse (it'd be a different story if I'd started on the employment path in my teens like most people do).
Plus the only way I'd have even a slight chance of making a living from games dev requires me to essentially enter back into the 'abusive relationship' of dealing with (a small but vocal segment of) critical or deranged 'fans', which I'd prefer to avoid entirely.
And it's harder and harder to connect with other people the older you get. I've seen posts on Reddit recently bemoaning the lack of a 'third place' alongside home and work where people can go just to find new friends, which is a good way of summarising something I've struggled with for a long time now.
I suppose the main difference is that back then, the future seemed hopeful, but now it just seems bleak and intimidating.
If (optimistically) you did get a low five-figure sum to finish Atonal Dreams (originally a demo for an even larger game!) that would, really, solve none of your problems. You already seem to be getting bored with the concept, otherwise you wouldn’t be redesigning the world and races like you are at the moment. Even if, in the best-case scenario, you got a fanbase that got really attached to the game and wanted you to make Atonal Dreams 2, you might feel no better about it than back when people wanted you to make MARDEK IV; even worse, you might be obligated to do it because of some Kickstarter.
I remember you saying that you’d make an honest attempt at promoting AD and, once that fails, move on with your life, but now you’ve been delaying that for almost a year now and you seem no better off for it. It might make more sense for you to drop the anxiety about possibly promoting it entirely and start thinking about other things you could do instead to improve your situation.
Regarding the perceived bleakness itself – what isn’t making it any better is the fact that you’re exposing yourself to reports from other pessimistic, anxious people on Reddit a lot. There’s a short-term comfort in that, sure, since you feel a bit more relatable, but it skews your worldview in an unhealthy way. There’s no absolute reason why you shouldn’t be able to have a social life and personal stability, even given all your troubles. Sure, you can resign yourself to supposedly being a lost cause and having missed out a long time ago, but it seems like that’s only making you feel worse.