If things are that bleak and intimidating on your current trajectory, you need to change things up, and you need to do it soon. It makes sense that you’d intuitively fall back on game dev, given your history, but with the way things are going it feels like a high-risk, low-reward path to go on.
If (optimistically) you did get a low five-figure sum to finish Atonal Dreams (originally a demo for an even larger game!) that would, really, solve none of your problems. You already seem to be getting bored with the concept, otherwise you wouldn’t be redesigning the world and races like you are at the moment. Even if, in the best-case scenario, you got a fanbase that got really attached to the game and wanted you to make Atonal Dreams 2, you might feel no better about it than back when people wanted you to make MARDEK IV; even worse, you might be obligated to do it because of some Kickstarter.
I remember you saying that you’d make an honest attempt at promoting AD and, once that fails, move on with your life, but now you’ve been delaying that for almost a year now and you seem no better off for it. It might make more sense for you to drop the anxiety about possibly promoting it entirely and start thinking about other things you could do instead to improve your situation.
Regarding the perceived bleakness itself – what isn’t making it any better is the fact that you’re exposing yourself to reports from other pessimistic, anxious people on Reddit a lot. There’s a short-term comfort in that, sure, since you feel a bit more relatable, but it skews your worldview in an unhealthy way. There’s no absolute reason why you shouldn’t be able to have a social life and personal stability, even given all your troubles. Sure, you can resign yourself to supposedly being a lost cause and having missed out a long time ago, but it seems like that’s only making you feel worse.
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Tobias 1104~1Y
I've been thinking generally about what I could do with my life instead for the past year or so, and non-stop for the past couple of months, after realising this just isn't working out. But there are many complications and it's difficult to work through. Seeing a counsellor or therapist was meant as my first step towards reinventing my life, and I'm currently waiting to hear back from them. So I've started the process. I thought I'd already talked about this in a few recent blogs.
It's really very difficult to remain motivated and focused without earning money for it, and it would be a lot easier if I was getting paid at least something. I don't want or need to be rich, I just need enough to not end up homeless. And I've been taking steps recently towards overcoming the mental barriers in the way of promotion etc. I'll need to overcome them to find any kind of work - either a job or freelance - anyway.
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MontyCallay99~1Y
I hadn't realised you were already so deep in the process of rethinking things, so apologies for the redundance! Vis-a-vis the therapist, I think you mostly just mentioned that broadly as seeking out mental health help. I do hope that your wait is short!
If the wait is too long and you can afford it, it might also make sense to contact private therapists in your area, which might have shorter wait times.
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Tobias 1104~1Y
Annoyingly I've already been waiting three weeks since contacting my GP just to hear from the occupational therapist who'll then probably direct me to a counsellor or therapist, so if this has already taken that long then I dread to think how long the later steps will take.
I've thought about private ones, but I really don't know if I can afford it, considering how little I earn. Apparently they charge between 40 and 150 GBP per hour-or-so-long session, which would be no big deal if I had a decent salary, but since I don't, it is.
1
MontyCallay99~1Y
That makes sense. Thinking about it as a percentage of your current income, it would be a major expense. Though if you have any savings, it might make sense thinking about it in terms of an investment, where improvements in waiting time or quality of the sessions might pay significant dividends for you in the future.
If (optimistically) you did get a low five-figure sum to finish Atonal Dreams (originally a demo for an even larger game!) that would, really, solve none of your problems. You already seem to be getting bored with the concept, otherwise you wouldn’t be redesigning the world and races like you are at the moment. Even if, in the best-case scenario, you got a fanbase that got really attached to the game and wanted you to make Atonal Dreams 2, you might feel no better about it than back when people wanted you to make MARDEK IV; even worse, you might be obligated to do it because of some Kickstarter.
I remember you saying that you’d make an honest attempt at promoting AD and, once that fails, move on with your life, but now you’ve been delaying that for almost a year now and you seem no better off for it. It might make more sense for you to drop the anxiety about possibly promoting it entirely and start thinking about other things you could do instead to improve your situation.
Regarding the perceived bleakness itself – what isn’t making it any better is the fact that you’re exposing yourself to reports from other pessimistic, anxious people on Reddit a lot. There’s a short-term comfort in that, sure, since you feel a bit more relatable, but it skews your worldview in an unhealthy way. There’s no absolute reason why you shouldn’t be able to have a social life and personal stability, even given all your troubles. Sure, you can resign yourself to supposedly being a lost cause and having missed out a long time ago, but it seems like that’s only making you feel worse.
It's really very difficult to remain motivated and focused without earning money for it, and it would be a lot easier if I was getting paid at least something. I don't want or need to be rich, I just need enough to not end up homeless. And I've been taking steps recently towards overcoming the mental barriers in the way of promotion etc. I'll need to overcome them to find any kind of work - either a job or freelance - anyway.
If the wait is too long and you can afford it, it might also make sense to contact private therapists in your area, which might have shorter wait times.
I've thought about private ones, but I really don't know if I can afford it, considering how little I earn. Apparently they charge between 40 and 150 GBP per hour-or-so-long session, which would be no big deal if I had a decent salary, but since I don't, it is.